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I think I still exist

I haven't typed anything on here in what...3 years. Wow I have been living my life for real.
So let me just jump right in. I'm 20 years old now. I think I started this when I was like...what maybe 15? I was so young, well I was younger. Well anyway I got on here because I am feeling pretty shitty and needed to get my words out without backlash. But I decided as well that it'd be fun to look up my past.

Writer's Block: A rose by any other name

Do you like your birth name? If you had the opportunity to change it, would you? What new name would you choose?

I absolutely resent my birth name. I really can't stand it at all!! If I had the opportunity to change it, I would do so right now. I'm not sure yet what name I would choose, but definitely something that isn't common like emily or britney. Maybe Diem or Kairo. Something totally unique and original.

Better Beginnings


We talked again today, and wow no worries when we're together. Yes, I am talking about Matt. It's strange how we're kinda okay now. I like this.

I really really like this.

We hung out for a bit when we were leaving the pep rally. I didn't go to it, I was walking by and heard music and saw the cheerleaders, so I lingered by and saw him sitting near the entrance/exit door.

It was pretty odd. Yea I kno, I'm a bit of a creeper, because i watched him and everything that was going on around me. We walked to his bus, he got on and then we left, went our seperate ways.

What did we talk about? Girls. Well he did most of the talking, I just listened to him. He was telling me about how he thought he was talking to another guy when he expressed how he thought some girls ass was all nicely in the air. It was actually funny, the way he told it.

Other words were spoken, but eh, not for LJ. He also tried to sell me some Reese's, but I don't like them, not a fan of peanut butter with chocolate lol

Other than that, today sucked. Like badly. I just wish that I could live forever in those silly moments and not think or care about anything else, ever again.


 

New Stuff!


There's no real love in you...." Mhm!! lyrics to the newest Tokio Hotel song Automatisch! (automatic for you losers that speak only english:) Yea at first I didn't like it that much, but hey what can I say other than the plain and simple fact that I love that song. I am disappointed that they are becoming more pop rather than rock, but it's ok....i guess. I like how they want to change and become better, but I think they changed a little bit too much. I do like the three songs I heard, automatisch,dark side of the sun and well i'm not too sure about pain of love. The only reason I listen to it is because Tom actually sings in the song♥♥♥!!! His voice is the first one you hear! Well at least I think it's Tom cuz it's a deep manly voice and I know that Bill's voice isn't very deep lol.

Ja, so I can't wait for their new Cd, along with Paramore's new CD!!! Both come out in September!!!! and I can't wait for Tokio Hotel to go on tour again, because I'll get to see Tom again, hopefully on my birthday this time,unlike last time! lol anyway zommggg!!!!! I'm just excited:DD

I Hate My Emotions.


I don't know how I'm feeling anymore. Sometimes i want nothing more than to just get out of this dead-end country. there's nothing here for me and there never will be. People always say that the U.S.A is the land of opportunity well what if there isn't any opportunity at all? Maybe they say that because it's better than where they were living before, but is it really? You hear stories all the time about how a family of like 50 cross the border to have a better life here, but if you think about it, is it really that much better? You most likely don't know the language, if you have a job it's probably something minimum wage and I guarantee that you're living paycheck to paycheck.

But....I'm getting off topic again. I know what I want, but I can never seem to get it. No, I don't want a perfect life, I want to have flaws and silly mishaps to happen, those are the things that makes life worth living. I just want to live life to the fullest and enjoy it 1,000%! lol But obviously, I can't. I want love again and I want to follow my dream of becoming a writer and a professional traveler. I want to be rich and happy and dumb lol The things I want, I'll probably never get, although someday I do hope that I will. Maybe I trust people too easily and maybe I'm a nervous unhappy wreck but honestly what else do I have to lose besides life? Yea I'm not making any sense, but when do I ever? Well I'm done, time to install that damn logger pro.  

We All Have Issues!

There are SOO many things that I could talk about on here, but I'm going to do that. Not now anyway. Ok so as you don't know, my older brother is in college and he's 20. Yes he is very old, but he doesnt act like it at all. These last few days we've been arguing about lots of little stupid things. Like last friday for example, my brother had thought it was a good idea to leave me at home all by myself while our parents were out in Indiana for their anniversary.

Now, I'm not talking about all day, I meant all night long. Our parents had said that his friends could come over and hang out, spend the night if they wanted, but he wanted to go to them instead for some odd reason. So I saw him packing and asked him where he was going, he didn't respond he just ignored me like as if I hadn't said anything at all. So being the responsible person that I am, I called my mom and asked her if he told her about his leaving, she said no and yelled at him for trying to sneak out. I think it was well deserved, I could've been hurt while he was in the city having a great time, and while my parents were in Indiana. My brother's friends are all so retarded. They like to gossip a lot and start drama about each other. I told him to get more mature friends, he just yelled at me.

I told him this because honestly his friends couldn't last a whole week with mine. They would all be crying to their mamma's about every single little thing! Now ever since he went to college, obviously you're gonna change and grow up, but for him, it's like the other way around. His friends, most of them are all from the city, the bad parts of the city and are really dumb. I know they can't help where they live, but still they can help how much of an education they choose to get. Now you've probably heard the newest popular slang, "Tweakin' " If you don't know it. Pretty much everyone I know that aren't my friends say that stupid word. If you actually look up the meaning, it means something other than just acting dumb or making silly mistakes. 

And it really annoys me. No one in my house likes that word and no one says it either, well until my brother started saying it. My mom has made it very clear that she hates that word, but now my brother says it all the time. Like 20 minuets ago he just said it. He was talking to me about something and he said "Tweakin' ", so I told him that I wasn't going to talk to him anymore tonight because he said it. I really hate that word, more than the "N" word. My point is, he's not who he used to be. Although I know we all grow up and change, it just seems like he's falling in that "I'm Ghetto" trend, which honestly he's better than that. Not being a stuck up bitch or anything but it's true, he's way better than that.  
-11 dayzz left!!♥♥}

Dos Santos!!♥♥


Ok! Hey allz!! I have another guy to drool over lol His name is Giovanni Dos Santos Ramierz!!! Yuss he is a mexcian hottie and all thanks go to chicha for introducing me to him!! He's only 19, so I actually have a chance with him:DD Well I first found out about him when chicha texted me and asked to watch a soccer game for her because she couldn't watch the end because she had to go to bed {she had her last day of summer school} so I said yes because I had nothing else better to do at 11 pm lol. So I turn on my television set and I start watching the game. Now you probably think that soccer is REALLY boring, but it's not, it's actually quite exciting and violent!! While watching I texted chicha and told her who was winning and such. And I found out that the game I was watching was being played right here in Chicago against Costa Rica at Soldier Field!! And that's when I noticed #17, Senior Dos Santos!!! He is soooo fucking HAWT!!! Although at the time I didn't know his name lol. He's so young and he kind of looks like a kid. He's just so happy :D Oh wow and he does this dance sometimes during a game and it's soo cute♥♥ ahhh I love that guy! lol
But now, after being all googlie-eyed over him, i thought about my first celebrity lover, Tomi K.!! I felt so bad! I can't believe that I had actually not thought about Tomi lol So to make it up to him, I read all of his blogs and posted comments on his page and did all things the Tomi way :DD I felt guilty, like I was kind of cheating on him xDD Although I would never cheat on Tomi K. with Giovanni!! Or vice versa... lol Well yea, I think they're both awesome and wonderfully talented guys that are way too sexy for their own good! xD But yes, Dos Santos has been the highlight of my week♥ and I wish I could meet him too!

-P.S In case you didn't notice, my font color is Mexico's flag colors!! although the middle is gray, you can't see white words on a white background duh lol}

Tall, Skinny and Black

Those are the first three words that come to people's mind when they are talking about me. It's not only annoying, but it's also a self-esteem killer. Most people, such as models would love to have my body and pssh I wish I could it to them. Earlier today while I was online I was reading an article on my xanga blogging site and whoever wrote it was obviously talking about themselves. How they were so skinny that they looked like a sick anorexic person that hasn't eaten for days. I was attracted to the article because well for one I'm skinny and I thought wow, this person knows exactly how I feel because she walks in the same shoes that I walk in everyday. When people look at me they dont think I weigh over 100 lbs they almost always assume I'm either 80 or lighter. When I go shopping, not only is it hard to find things that actually fit, but it's sad when people just watch you struggle to find something nice. I got all worked up and almost started to cry. For once I actually could relate to how people overweight felt.

People always point and laugh and say "oh shit, he needs to lose like 500lbs" or "Holy cow she's big!!" and they always say it loud enough for that person to hear it. Like as if they can't hear them or if they just don't care that someone is saying rude things about them in public for everyone around to hear. Well believe it or not it's the same kind of shit for me. People don't point or say things. Instead they think it's polite to just stare with these dumbass expressions of shock on their faces, like we don't notice it. It's not only just fucking rude but it hurts on the inside. It's not fucking funny when people tell you, you look like a "stick" or a "toothpick". It's not funny when they say "you need to eat" or "put some meat on those bones" or "You're all skin and bones". Ha, like we don't fucking eat, or haha we have no meat on us at all or hell yea we're all skin and bones. It's not fucking funny and even though I just laugh it off in front of their faces, I think how would they feel if someone said those same things to them in a sad attempt to be funny. They would be hurt and would want to shun themselves from the rest of the world.

But I can't do that and I won't. I don't let things like that get me down too much. Yea it's upsetting and frustrating but I'm not going let ignorant ass people upset me. I'm bigger and better than that. No I don't think i'm "All that" sort of speak, but It's not like I'm nothing special. I am who I am and I know I can't change that. Yes, I would love to have a smokin' hot body so that people won't feel like they should pity but obviously that's not going to happen. With the media craze stating that all female celebrities should "be thin" Well I'll be straight up honest, I hate it. Ok, It's good to lose weight....if you're fat, not if you are healthy and maintain a healthy body weight. It's sooo fucking annoying to see moms, like my mother's age weighting 90 lbs! It can scar a child for life. And it's even worse for teenage girls as well. Some teenage girls actually read the shit they put in magazines like "People" and "Us Weekly" Like how to keep a boyfriend from cheating on you and 10 ways to eat bad but stay healthy. It's so dumb. They think that guys won't like them if they aren't like the girls in magazines or in movies. But seriously, there aren't any real life girls that go to school who are like that, so guyz have to settle for something of lesser standard whether they want to or not. {Unless they're gay of course :D } It just annoys me how all these girls with their more than perfect, in my opinion bodies think that they should lose weight to just to be thin.

Half of them don''t even know why they do it. But the ones that do, well they do it just to keep up with the style that's in, and currently it's going green and being thin. I honestly wish I could slap some sense into them, and tell them "hello!! your body is fine!!! Stop messing with it!!" Because I honestly don't know why anyone would want to be so thin. I don't even want to be thin, but it's how I am. After reading all of this, or not, my point is, girls stop trying to please guys all the time and trying to follow the trend. And for you rude ass people to have some respect and stop making fun of people when you know damn right that if it were you, you would be hurt, pissed, annoyed and have your self-esteem blown to pieces. So stop being a bitch and back the fuck off. No one wants to hear rude comments about their weight.


WHOOOO!!!! Hey allz. Ok well last night was just the greatest night ever. I went to see Paramore and No Doubt in concert and holy shit it was amazing! I'll start from the very beginning. So my parents dropped me off and the First Midwest Bank Amphitheatre and holy shit there were ALOT of people everywhere, I was actually scared because there were so many! Ok well as you may or may not know, I went alone. Oh yea that's right i took this trip solo all the way xD They dropped me off and I walked in through gate 5 and holy hell there were people buying alcohol and pizza and all kinds of food before the show. The lines were ridiculously long and I wasnt about to stand in any of them. lol I kept walking until I say the bathrooms and figured that I might as well use it before the show.
 
Holy hell that bathroom was fuckin huge!!! I've never seen a bathroom that big in all my 16 years of living!! After my potty break I followed people who were walking to their seats because I had no idea where to go, it was just so fucking big. I went inside, which was actually outside. Let's see how to explain, there was a roof built over it but there weren't any actual walls or anything. I felt the wind blowing and it felt sooo good. lol  SO when I went to where the seats were I easily found out where my section was because there were signs all over the place. I was in section 102 row AA seat 17. I was REALLY close to the stage, I could've been closer lol In front of me was like this standing area and everyone in it was over 21 because they all have alcoholic beverages in their hands. At first I wanted to be there, but those people were standing the entire time, which sucked. <--Haha)

My seat was next to mostly adults, which at first I wasn't so happy about but they were decent people I guess. In front of me there were these 3 teenage girls about my age and damn they got on my nevers because they were jumping around which made it harder for me to take pictures!!! but there were pretty cool. I also saw tomo's friend emily waldo there!!!! I bumped into to her, well at least I think it was her, it looked like her, but I could be wrong lol So when the show first started this new band was playing, they were the opening act. They were ok, but nobody was really listening to them. Then Finally PARAMORE CAME ON!!! I was soo FUCKING HAPPY!!! I saw Hayley and Josh and Zac and that new guy Taylor and Jeremy ohh gawd Josh was soo sexy in person♥♥ Taylor was pretty fucking hawt too!! Of course Hayley was killing the show with her badassness!!!  They played wonderfully! They played Let the flames begin, Pressure, Misery Business, That's what you get, I caught myself, Ignorance,Crushcrushcrush,We are Broken and another new song from their new cd.

Hayley Killed the show with her head bobbing and body flipping techinique!! oooohhhh and Zac jumped backwards over hayley's back WHILE still playin the guitar!! it was amazing!! I loved them, they kicked major ass!! then they took a break to set up for No Doubt. During the break people left to get more beer and food. I just sat and chilled out becuz my lungs hurt from screaming for sooo long and my legs hurt from jumping up and down for like 2 hours lol.

Then no Doubt went on and they kicked ass!! I dont really like No Doubt, but whoa. they were amazing even though i knew like one song by them lol I have to finish this later, but trust me, I will

¥Peace¥ Liebe Kahli♥♥

Willkommen!!


HEY!! wazzup livejournal?? well it's Kahlix just posting my first entry :DD